What Love is this?

What love is this? 

Inspired by the sweet and powerful words and passion that Kari Jobe sings this love song to The Lord. Hit my heart in a place that was not expecting last night as I listened to it about 25 times. It brought up very strong emotions, in light of my separation of my daughter and recent relationship ending without any type of closure. My heart felt a little bitter about V-Day, understandably so... I was not angry, or frustrated, or even bitter... I was truly sorrowful and joyful all at the same time. Sorrowful, about how my choices and decisions have led me to a place of extreme pain and regret, but joyful to know and believe that The Lord of Lords has a plan and is redeeming and restoring my true heart. 

"I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh." (Ezekiel 11:19 NIV). 

I think for so long I had hoped that I could just get by... The reality was, I was truly ignoring my own deep seeded heart issues. That over time begin to ooze out of being in different ways. This was such a harmful place to be not just for me but for the people I love and those around me. This was my false self, the person I wanted others to see and like. The mask was fully put on, depending on who I was around I would display different masks. Whether it was finding my identity in my accomplishment or in my talents, it was/is false. We so easily want a quick fix to our deep issues of brokenness, but are not willing to go to the source of healing (Jesus)... Furthermore, we then need to by disciplined and faithful to stay within the process... 

I know this is me speaking to myself... What I am discovering is that the heart is very complicated and fragile. Weak, desperate, and courageous... If we will allow The Lord to replace our temporary, false, ashamed, broken, stone hearted desires for a long lasting pursuit of righteousness we could be changed. It be content and joyful for each day of life and not stay stuck in past regrets and failures that have us chained up. Trust me, I'm not saying that we can control all circumstances and situations that occur in life, but a majority of why and how my hearts been broken have been the direct result of my own selfish choices. So in the process of discovering; What love is this? It Is such a paramount question within the lyrics of Kari Jobe song. 

I just could not hold back the tears from flowing, furiously down my cheeks last night as those powerful words broke through all the bullshit, false and arrogant things in my life and penetrated my heart... Knowing that I don't deserve one bit of God's love and grace, but yet he still waits with open arms every time I mess up... So many times Jesus shows himself to the people in the bible in this way... He calls out the truth of the sin in their life in such a loving and powerful way. A friend once told me, "In order for love to truly be love it has to go beyond a feeling to a daily choice. This is the type of love Jesus's choice in giving his life for us. This is such a foreign in concept to our minds and hearts, especially if we never had someone model this for us... Parents or family. So it can, and in my case caused me to seek it out a false sense of love more then to just receive it as Jesus freely wants to give it us. 

BUT...there is hope. That if we can continue, by faith, even if we don't fully understand this kind of Love that Jesus offers, healing is within reach... The question becomes will we choose this kind of love daily? The issue is, will we choose the temporary for the permanent love that is only found in Jesus?  It's your choice...